Sometimes, I find a Christian song I love, but doesn’t make complete sense to me. David Crowder’s music does this to me a lot. For instance, he sings a song called How He Loves Us (written by John Mark McMillan) that has been a favorite of mine since I heard it the first time. But, I admit some of the concepts in the song are lost on me. For instance:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
Loves like a hurricane? I am a tree? That sounds really scary. And painful. And not at all like the image of a cuddly, lovable God I’ve created and put in a nice mental gift box.
And further in the song
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I’m not used to words like ‘sinking’ and ‘violently’ used in a positive connotation in my Christian rock. So, I’m loving the song and just ignoring the scary words that vary from my experience of God.
I have to give you a little background before I continue. I’m a believer because I have felt God. I know people believe for different reasons, but mine is a feeling thing where I’ve felt his presence in me and around me. Over the years, I’ve felt him more sporadically, and thankfully I’ve had wise spiritual friends who’ve taught me through scripture that I won’t always feel God, but he’s nevertheless always there. I’ve disciplined myself to worship even in the dry spells. I’m thankful to have learned that lesson. But this latest dry spell has lasted so long, I feel like a cartoon character dragging myself across the desert toward more desert with no oasis (or even mirage) in sight. You can bet I’ve been praying for God to throw me a tidbit of instant gratification. I’ve argued that he created me with the ADHD and he needs to accommodate it. I’ve begged to feel him again; to have my thirst quenched; to feel the relief of a sprinkle in the desert.
Yesterday, God answered my prayers. And I have to say, I know his timing is perfect, but it’s not always my favorite.
More background needed. When I started singing with the Praise Team at my church, maybe a handful of people in our congregation sang aloud. On a really good Sunday, you might hear those three or four voices singing loudly, but otherwise, our congregation was VERY quiet. As a Praise Team, we prayed for God’s voice to fill the sanctuary through the congregation. We prayed for God to use us as his instruments. We prayed for God’s spirit to flow in our church and congregation. God’s faithfulness on those prayers is evident. Through the years, the congregation’s voice has become loud enough that we took moments in songs to back away from the microphones to listen to them. Each time we did, I was grateful for the gift of God’s presence and faithfulness.
Back to yesterday. Remember I’m crawling in the desert, desperate for a sprinkling of God’s touch. We sang a song that I love called Mighty to Save (it’s got great lyrics, too). It’s one of my favorite songs because there’s a moment when the song goes from loud to quiet and I back away from the microphone to hear the voice of the congregation. Yesterday, it was a sea of music washing over me. The sound was crushingly beautiful – it was the sound of God’s voice filling the sanctuary. It was the lavish response to my cry for God’s touch. It was a hurricane and I was a tree.
I was overwhelmed. And tears sprang forth. It was like the overflow of the hurricane coming from my eyes. I was unable to continue the song and for the first time since I’ve been in the Praise Team, I was unable to compose myself at all. I was sinking in the ocean of voices, who thankfully finished the song in my place. The congregation became a beautiful metaphor for how God carries us through when we are unable to go further on our own.
I sat down – completely embarrassed – worried I’d made people feel uncomfortable (we aren’t a charismatic church where people freely and openly sob like I had done). It took me awhile to realize the reaction I had was God; the voices were a gift; and being embarrassed was unnecessary. Which brings me to the last lines of the song:
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way…
He loves us.
I get it now. I totally get the lyrics.
No comments:
Post a Comment