Last week, Stone turned 7. Most people who know me will laugh when I say in many ways Stone is my most challenging child. Maybe that's not the right way to put it. Most people who know CADE will laugh when I say in many ways Stone is my most challenging child.
Let me clarify. Stone isn't challenging to raise. He's very well behaved, very responsible, very compliant. He's challenging to me because we are so different.
He’s taciturn; I’m gregarious.
He’s introverted; I’m extraverted.
He’s realistic; I’m idealistic.
He’s more like Chad than I am – and where that leads to an interesting marriage, it’s challenging to me as a mother. The parenting skills that worked with Pearce and Cole (both very much like me) do not work with Stone. My humorous parenting style earns blank stares from Stone. Sometimes he even groans.
I’ll confess that when he was a toddler, my parenting methods exacerbated his negative emotions or behaviors. I once told Chad I worried that Stone didn’t like me. That was from a naive, ego-centric point of view. I’m so thankful I’m not looking at it from that perspective any more. And for that, I have thanks to give.
I thank my former Pastor, Steve Langford for teaching me about personality types in light of how they function in family systems. He taught me the value of all personality types and how to balance mine (which can be a little over-the-top) in order to relate to others. He also taught me to be self-aware and to constantly be open to growth, even if it stings to learn something about yourself that needs to be changed. Luckily, he also taught me that growth is something you let God help you with, so you never have to do the heavy lifting alone. I’ve grown as a mother to understand that Stone and I are different in ways that we can celebrate. We are different in ways that lead to growth for both of us.
I also want to thank the myriad of books on parenting that have said over and over that I’m the grown up and that the onus of relating to him is on me. He doesn’t have to change for our relationship to be amazing. And neither do I. But I have had to learn to relate to him in ways that are foreign to me. He doesn’t do silliness unless he decides it’s safe to be silly. He doesn’t ‘do’ silly on command like my other boys. Like me. And that’s ok (she repeats to herself over and over).
I want to thank my mom (this is starting to sound like an acceptance speech) who has given me an example of what it’s like to be the mother of a child who is very different from you. My mom is a Stone. And she raised a Dori. And she did it without stifling me or trying to make me into a Cherryle. We are so good together BECAUSE we are different. Because she values my differences. We ground, but also fuel each other. And she did all this intuitively where I needed parenting books. My mom is amazing.
Finally, I want to thank God for giving me this little boy who is so smart I can’t keep up with him. Who wears khaki slacks and tucks in his shirts even on the weekend. Who is sometimes more mature than his 12 and 14-year-old brothers (it’s not an insult; Pearce and Cole would agree). Whose contagious laugh makes his family want to make fools of themselves just to hear it for a second. Who is a perfect reminder of the wonder and mystery of God.
Happy (belated) Birthday, Stone!!!!!!!
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