Worry chorizo

I worry. It's kind of what I do. I worry I'm not a good mom. A good wife. A good friend. A good person. A good Christian. Sometimes my worry overwhelms me and when I become overwhelmed, I feel out of control. That's the worst. Being out of control. Feeling helpless and hopeless is like holding my breath. Or like when my brother used to roll me up into a blanket so tight that I couldn't unroll myself.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by noise. By responsibility. By expectations. By anger. By jealousy. When I'm out of control of myself in these ways, it's like being wrapped too tightly in a guilt blanket. I become a guilt chorizo.

Tonight, I walked a prayer labyrinth; which is something I've never done. I asked God to tell me what to pray about. As I approached the center, I was focusing on all the above things - the things that wrap me up. The words 'out of control' came to mind and on their heels, the words, 'God is in control.'

This isn't a Christmas miracle post. My epiphany won't change the circumstances that cause my worry nor their frequency. And I don't know that I'm going to stop worrying or feeling less out of control. But, knowing that God is never out of control gave me peace. Peace that is still with me. Peace I can pass on. Peace that might still be in me the next time the blanket of guilt and worry comes calling.

God is in control.

Tomorrow, I will worry, even though I don't need to and it doesn't do any good. I will worry about my 12-year-old having his first girlfriend. About my sick great-aunt. About money. About singing off key at church. About cooking my first Christmas goose.

But God will not worry.

There is peace in that.

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.