What a difference a day makes!

I started this blog to make a confession - that I really don't enjoy the first month of babyhood. Sleep deprivation mixed with a baby who lacks ANY personality makes for a boring 4-5 weeks. Then, I was going to marvel at how, within a day, it all seems to turn around and the baby sort of 'wakes up' and becomes a human. Today, my youngest smiled at me.

At first, I questioned whether I was just wanting it to be a smile, but he did it several times. And he seemed more alert today than ever. Playing and cooing and looking at me with honest recognition. This was going to be a sappy blog about how 'worth it' the first 4-5 weeks are at that moment.

But, before I could get to the keyboard, Chad asked me if I wanted to watch a movie and we did. Chad fell asleep in it and the baby fell asleep on my chest. When the movie was over, I looked down at him and I was struck with a sudden realization - he's my last child.

I felt an overwhelming, bittersweet longing in that instant for the moment to last. He had positioned himself in that ridiculously cute baby curl - little hands under his chin and feet pulled up like a frog. His lower lip was sucked into his mouth and he looked so tiny and doll-like.

Tomorrow he'll be slightly more awake and aware - and even though I get the joy of watching him grow into a personality, he'll never be this small again. Soon, he'll be 10 like his oldest brother. And when he's 10, his oldest brother will be 20. Suddenly, I'm the annoying woman who is telling everyone to 'enjoy every moment because they pass so quickly.' I truly understand it now.

Ten years ago, a sleep deprived me held a colicky infant and wished for him to be older and more fun.
Tonight, I was going to blog something similar, but caught a glimpse of something amazing.
Tomorrow, I'll be more reluctant to want my infant to grow up. I'll have more patience with my terrible toddler. I'll advocate more confidently for the uniqueness of my second grader. And I'll appreciate the subtle, sarcastic defiance of my oldest.

Funny when cliche becomes reality. They do grow up so fast.